I'm described to be quiet, shy, sensitive and quite aware of how darkness could feel like. I had prayed to God to become more humble, more empathetic and to become more like Him in the way he loves and the way he cares for others. I even remember praying to hurt for things that would hurt him; and I didn't expect Him to answer that prayer. But He did. And let me tell you, it hurt a lot.
I began to see just how much the world succumbed to its darkness and how scary this world can truly be. I did fear death, which is something I can't control. I developed frequent panic attacks, anxiety attacks and eventually, depression from the fact that I suffered from pain without reason. I live a good life, and I am truly privileged. What right did I have to feel depressed? But I couldn't seem to control it...or find ways to cope. I became desperate for medication to take it away-- yet, I have been able to keep away from medications...for now. I began to understand the feeling of wanting to take your life if this is what living was going to look like. But I know that will not happen, and that God always delivers.
Instead of feeling angry about it, I decided to ask myself, "what can I learn from this?" And here's my answer: Empathy. Love. Gratitude. “God can turn any mess into a message, any test into a testimony, any trial into a triumph, and any victim into a victor.” If you are struggling now, I am here to tell you there is hope, there is a way, there is life in light. I'm here to tell you that you are loved, cared for and not alone. Mental illness is tough. It's a battle. It's taken lives. I'm here to fight these battles with you.
With so much love, Yuki.